Once
upon a time a long,
long time ago there lived
a wise old dwarf named Granny
Smith deep inside the forest
above a village called Appledom.
All of the town elders used
to hold meetings once a
month in Appledom to discuss
problems facing the village
people.
The Mayor of
Appledom, Fred Delicious, and
who the towns people referred
to as 'Red' because of his beautiful
red hair, and wife Golden, who
also just happened to be the
Assistant to the Mayor, at his
right side, called the monthly
meeting to order.
"Order! Order!"
Red said. "What is the
first order of business?"
asked Red Delicious.
His wife replied,
"We are to discuss getting
Dr. Winesap to visit our village
less for we are a poor town
and can not pay him what he
wants and he is tired of receiving
apples as payment for his services."
"I
will visit the wise old
Granny Smith deep in the
forest above the village
for an answer tomorrow morning.
I am sure she can give us
the answer we can all live
with, however, she will
not help me unless I bring
her one of Golden Delicious'
apple pie's!"
"I will
bake one tonight" replied
Golden Delicious.
"Great!
I love it when you bake! Make
two of them!" Red said
and the meeting was dissolved.
The next morning,
Red Delicious took off with
the apple pie his wife, Golden
Delicious, made and after several
hours, arrived at the front
walk of the little old grass
cabin belonging to the little
old wise dwarf, Granny Smith.
The aroma of the apple pie arrived
long before Red did and that
was enough to awake Granny Smith
and have the door open before
Red Delicious even knocked.
After taking
the pie, Granny Smith asked,
" What is it you want?"
Red delicious
replied, " The doctor,
Dr. Winesap, who comes from
a village far away called, Newtown-Pippin,
told me he could not make as
many visits to our town, Appledom,
to care for our villagers because
we have been paying him in apples
and he wants the big bucks!
What shall we do?"
And the little
old wise dwarf named Granny
Smith retorted, "Have all
the villagers eat an apple a
day for this will keep the doctor
away!"
"I will
get to he core of this concept,”
He thought to himself as he
hurried back to the village.
His wife, Golden
Delicious, went screaming door
to door, "Town Meeting!
Town Meeting!"
Once everyone
showed up, the decree was made.
"From
this day forward, we all shall
eat an apple a day to keep the
doctor away!" Red said.
And by
golly gee wiz, in 30 years,
the Doctor never had to
be called once. And the
town became so dependant
on apples, any visitor who
passed through the town
gates saw a sign that had
on it in big red letters:
Welcome to Appledom. The
only thing worse than finding
a worm in your apple is
finding half a worm! :)
Once
upon a time a long,
long time ago, there was
this aluminum can. This
was no ordinary aluminum
can, but a can that once
had in it, mixed vegetables.
The can of mixed vegetables
was purchased at the corner
grocery store by the Vegi
Family. Broccoli and his
wife, Cauliflower were a
loving couple and Cauliflower
was a pretty good cook.
They and their children
Sweet Pea, Corny and String
Bean sat down for dinner
that night with their dog,
Carrot Top, under the table
looking for scraps as usual.
Two strangers
who were standing on the corner
and getting ready to cross the
street started screaming at
each other and calling each
other terrible names when all
of sudden, it broke out into
a fight. Several of the bystanders
tried in vain to break it up
but to no avail. The strangers
rolled out into the street and
both were hit by a bus.
They were rushed
to City Hospital with minor
injuries which were treated
in the emergency room and released.
They introduced themselves to
each other and decided to go
have a beer.
After dinner,
it was Sweet Peas turn to do
the dishes and Corny's turn
to take out the trash. As he
went down the back steps, he
started singing this song 'If
I Had A Dime". Just as
he got to the trash can, the
bag broke and the aluminum can
rolled out into the alley behind
the house.
Later that
night, a trash truck picking
the neighborhood garbage, hit
the aluminum can knocking it
into the street where the next
day, the can was found by some
neighborhood boys. They played
a game with it called 'Kick
The Can' for 3 whole days until
abandoning it in a field where
years later it was found by
a construction crew worker who
was getting ready to build a
duplex on the property.
Although the
aluminum can was beat up, he
stored some nuts and bolts in
it. He also put some tape around
it writing his name, Fred, in
big black letters so no one
would steal it.
The moral
of this story? If your
bag breaks and something
falls out, pick it up
for someone might kick
it around for 3 days until
it's found by someone
who wraps tape around
it and writes their name
on it in big black letters.
_________________________________________
Baby
Joe and The Turtle Pt. I
Baby
Joe and Mommy
Many,
many years ago,
in the vast sweep of dry
bush desert lying in South-West
Africa, there lived a family
of elephants on the very
edge of the Kalahari Desert.
There was Papa Joe, Mama
Josie, and Baby Joe. Together,
they would walk and talk,
laugh and sing, eat and
sleep and travel up and
down the river not unlike
other families of elephants.
They had plenty to eat
and drink and would bath
in the cool waters of
the Okovango River all
day long. Baby Joe's parents
always used to tell him
bible stories too like
the one about Noah's Ark
and how their ancesters
had a ticket for the cruise
for forty days and nights.
One
day, Baby Joe noticed
a turtle crawling
along the bank and
followed it until
nightfall falling
asleep on a soft patch
of grass.
The next morning,
she awoke. Realizing
she was lost and
her parents weren't
around, she let
out a wailing screech
that could be heard
for miles. She did
this all morning
until the turtle
she followed the
day before bit her
on her trunk to
shut her up. This
really angered Baby
Joe and he chased
her all day. Those
African turtles
are pretty fast
when elephants are
chasing them zig
zagging all around
so as to miss the
fate of his foot.
Many years had passed
and Baby Joe, who was
no longer a baby, was
drinking out of a river
one day, when he spotted
a turtle asleep on a log.
So, he ambled on over
and kicked it clear across
the river.
"What did you
do that for?" Asked
a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized
it as the same turtle
that took a nip out of
my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a
memory" commented
the giraffe.
"Yes," said
the elephant, "turtle
recall".
Then, remembering
the bible stories his
parents used to tell him
like the one about Noahs
Ark and how the elephants
were the last to leave
because they had to pack
their trunks, he went
over to the turtle to
apologize for kicking
him across the river and
to tell him that story.
And so he did.
After
the stiry about Noah's
Ark, the turtle said
to him, "That's
Ok! Why do elephants
have trunks? Because
they would look silly
carrying suitcases!
Yuk! Yuk!"
So Baby Joe
kicked him back
to the other side
and went on about
his business.
_________________________________________
Baby
Joe and The Turtle Pt. II
After
Baby Joe,
kicked the turltle
back across the river,
he went on his way.
He saw many of his
friends about noon
this one particular
day running in the
opposite direction
screaming.
Baby Joe stopped his
hippo buddy Charles and
asked where everyone was
going and he repied, "They're
here! They're here! The
circus scouts are looking
for us for their circus.
RUN!!" He saw an
x-girlfriend, Elsiebell,
and he asked, "Where
you going bambina?"
And she just slapped him
with her trunk and kept
going. He even saw the
turtle he kicked earlier
and well, I can't use
that language in this
story but Baby Joe kicked
him again just because!!
Third times a charm you
know. There happened to
be a snail catching a
ride on the turtles back
and when he went flying,
you could hear the snail
go "weeee"!
But Baby Joe, always
being the curious sort
went to see for himself.
The next minute he knew,
a big net dropped on him,
and these natives were
throwing ropes on him
trying to put him down.
They gave him a sedative
which put him to sleep.
He regained conscienceness
on a boat headed for America.
As he focused his eyes,
he saw standing in front
of him the man who was
to train him, feed him,
take care of him and become
his good friend. He was
a very old elephant trainer
named Klaus Kluppinheimer
who made his fame in the
early 30's when, in the
buff, rode one of his
elephants up the steps
of the White House into
their front parlor to
protest a better tasting
toothpaste.
Baby
Joe and Klaus became
fast friends. Klaus
worked with Baby
Joe 12 hours a day,
everyday, teaching
him to stand on
his head; stand
on his hind legs;
walk around in circles
and even write his
name. Baby Joe's
first performance
was a big hit. People
were so overwhelmed
with his talents,
they began throwing
peanuts, banana's,
pop corn, ice cream
and what ever else
they could get their
hands on at him.
After 178 daytime and
423 night time performances,
Baby Joe just couldn't perform
anymore. Klaus knew his
time was at hand so he retired
Baby Joe to his 2000 acre
farm in upstate New York
where he lived out his days
in the lap of luxury.
It was a cool Summer
day under the old oak
tree where Baby Joe spent
most of his afternoons
resting where, out of
the corner of his eye,
he saw something crawling
up to him in the tall
grass.
It was a cool Summer
day under the old oak tree
where Baby Joe spent most
of his afternoons resting
where, out of the corner
of his eye, he saw something
crawling up to him in the
tall grass.
He heard a squeaky
voice, but he couldn't
see who, or what, it was.
"Is that you Baby
Joe? Is that you Baby
Joe?"
"Yes! It's me!
Who's there?" replied
Baby Joe.
"It's
me! Remember me
Mr. Turtle Recall?"
the turtle said
with deep sarcasim.
"I have traveled
many miles and many
years to find you!
You kicked me three
times years ago
and I have something
for you! Come closer,"
requested the turtle.
Baby Joe bent down
to see better and the
turtle bit his trunk again
only this time, leaving
his false teeth inbedded
in Baby Joe's trunk. He
had false teeth because
he was a very old turtle
plus he lost his original
teeth when Baby Joe kicked
him for the third time.
"GIMME
MY TEETH BACK!" screamed
the turtle.
In which Baby Joe
replied, " Nope!
They're mine now. Bite
me once, shame on you.
Bite me twice, shame on
me. Bite me three times,
I keep the teeth!"
The End
The
Cast according to
appearance...
Papa
Joe.... Swannie
River Joe (Ringling
Barnum Bailey
Circus)
Mama Josie...
Bella Figura (Italian
Circus Ole)
Baby Joe... Nottoo
Fatami (Flea Circus)
The Giraffe...
Fred (African
Dude)
The Snail... Pete
the snail (no
circus- just a
hitchhiker)
By
the way, the turtle
in this story
was played by....
Juganda Swazarski..
a student of iternational
soups
A
special thank
you to Klaus Kluppinheimer
for the use
of his diaries
in putting this
story together.
