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Granny Smith
Once upon a time a long, long time ago there lived a wise old dwarf named Granny Smith deep inside the forest above a village called Appledom. All of the town elders used to hold meetings once a month in Appledom to discuss problems facing the village people.

The Mayor of Appledom, Fred Delicious, and who the towns people referred to as 'Red' because of his beautiful red hair, and wife Golden, who also just happened to be the Assistant to the Mayor, at his right side, called the monthly meeting to order.

"Order! Order!" Red said. "What is the first order of business?" asked Red Delicious.

His wife replied, "We are to discuss getting Dr. Winesap to visit our village less for we are a poor town and can not pay him what he wants and he is tired of receiving apples as payment for his services."

"I will visit the wise old Granny Smith deep in the forest above the village for an answer tomorrow morning. I am sure she can give us the answer we can all live with, however, she will not help me unless I bring her one of Golden Delicious' apple pie's!"

"I will bake one tonight" replied Golden Delicious.

"Great! I love it when you bake! Make two of them!" Red said and the meeting was dissolved.

The next morning, Red Delicious took off with the apple pie his wife, Golden Delicious, made and after several hours, arrived at the front walk of the little old grass cabin belonging to the little old wise dwarf, Granny Smith. The aroma of the apple pie arrived long before Red did and that was enough to awake Granny Smith and have the door open before Red Delicious even knocked.


After taking the pie, Granny Smith asked, " What is it you want?"

Red delicious replied, " The doctor, Dr. Winesap, who comes from a village far away called, Newtown-Pippin, told me he could not make as many visits to our town, Appledom, to care for our villagers because we have been paying him in apples and he wants the big bucks! What shall we do?"

And the little old wise dwarf named Granny Smith retorted, "Have all the villagers eat an apple a day for this will keep the doctor away!"

"I will get to he core of this concept,” He thought to himself as he hurried back to the village.

His wife, Golden Delicious, went screaming door to door, "Town Meeting! Town Meeting!"

Once everyone showed up, the decree was made.

"From this day forward, we all shall eat an apple a day to keep the doctor away!" Red said.

And by golly gee wiz, in 30 years, the Doctor never had to be called once. And the town became so dependant on apples, any visitor who passed through the town gates saw a sign that had on it in big red letters: Welcome to Appledom. The only thing worse than finding a worm in your apple is finding half a worm! :)


The Aluminum Can

Once upon a time a long, long time ago, there was this aluminum can. This was no ordinary aluminum can, but a can that once had in it, mixed vegetables. The can of mixed vegetables was purchased at the corner grocery store by the Vegi Family. Broccoli and his wife, Cauliflower were a loving couple and Cauliflower was a pretty good cook. They and their children Sweet Pea, Corny and String Bean sat down for dinner that night with their dog, Carrot Top, under the table looking for scraps as usual.

Two strangers who were standing on the corner and getting ready to cross the street started screaming at each other and calling each other terrible names when all of sudden, it broke out into a fight. Several of the bystanders tried in vain to break it up but to no avail. The strangers rolled out into the street and both were hit by a bus.

They were rushed to City Hospital with minor injuries which were treated in the emergency room and released. They introduced themselves to each other and decided to go have a beer.

After dinner, it was Sweet Peas turn to do the dishes and Corny's turn to take out the trash. As he went down the back steps, he started singing this song 'If I Had A Dime". Just as he got to the trash can, the bag broke and the aluminum can rolled out into the alley behind the house.

Later that night, a trash truck picking the neighborhood garbage, hit the aluminum can knocking it into the street where the next day, the can was found by some neighborhood boys. They played a game with it called 'Kick The Can' for 3 whole days until abandoning it in a field where years later it was found by a construction crew worker who was getting ready to build a duplex on the property.

Although the aluminum can was beat up, he stored some nuts and bolts in it. He also put some tape around it writing his name, Fred, in big black letters so no one would steal it.

The moral of this story? If your bag breaks and something falls out, pick it up for someone might kick it around for 3 days until it's found by someone who wraps tape around it and writes their name on it in big black letters.


Baby Joe and The Turtle Pt. I

Baby Joe and Mommy

Many, many years ago, in the vast sweep of dry bush desert lying in South-West Africa, there lived a family of elephants on the very edge of the Kalahari Desert.

There was Papa Joe, Mama Josie, and Baby Joe. Together, they would walk and talk, laugh and sing, eat and sleep and travel up and down the river not unlike other families of elephants. They had plenty to eat and drink and would bath in the cool waters of the Okovango River all day long. Baby Joe's parents always used to tell him bible stories too like the one about Noah's Ark and how their ancesters had a ticket for the cruise for forty days and nights.

One day, Baby Joe noticed a turtle crawling along the bank and followed it until nightfall falling asleep on a soft patch of grass.

The next morning, she awoke. Realizing she was lost and her parents weren't around, she let out a wailing screech that could be heard for miles. She did this all morning until the turtle she followed the day before bit her on her trunk to shut her up. This really angered Baby Joe and he chased her all day. Those African turtles are pretty fast when elephants are chasing them zig zagging all around so as to miss the fate of his foot.

Many years had passed and Baby Joe, who was no longer a baby, was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

Then, remembering the bible stories his parents used to tell him like the one about Noahs Ark and how the elephants were the last to leave because they had to pack their trunks, he went over to the turtle to apologize for kicking him across the river and to tell him that story. And so he did.

After the stiry about Noah's Ark, the turtle said to him, "That's Ok! Why do elephants have trunks? Because they would look silly carrying suitcases! Yuk! Yuk!"

So Baby Joe kicked him back to the other side and went on about his business.


Baby Joe and The Turtle Pt. II

After Baby Joe, kicked the turltle back across the river, he went on his way. He saw many of his friends about noon this one particular day running in the opposite direction screaming.

Baby Joe stopped his hippo buddy Charles and asked where everyone was going and he repied, "They're here! They're here! The circus scouts are looking for us for their circus. RUN!!" He saw an x-girlfriend, Elsiebell, and he asked, "Where you going bambina?" And she just slapped him with her trunk and kept going. He even saw the turtle he kicked earlier and well, I can't use that language in this story but Baby Joe kicked him again just because!! Third times a charm you know. There happened to be a snail catching a ride on the turtles back and when he went flying, you could hear the snail go "weeee"!

But Baby Joe, always being the curious sort went to see for himself. The next minute he knew, a big net dropped on him, and these natives were throwing ropes on him trying to put him down. They gave him a sedative which put him to sleep.

He regained conscienceness on a boat headed for America. As he focused his eyes, he saw standing in front of him the man who was to train him, feed him, take care of him and become his good friend. He was a very old elephant trainer named Klaus Kluppinheimer who made his fame in the early 30's when, in the buff, rode one of his elephants up the steps of the White House into their front parlor to protest a better tasting toothpaste.

Baby Joe and Klaus became fast friends. Klaus worked with Baby Joe 12 hours a day, everyday, teaching him to stand on his head; stand on his hind legs; walk around in circles and even write his name. Baby Joe's first performance was a big hit. People were so overwhelmed with his talents, they began throwing peanuts, banana's, pop corn, ice cream and what ever else they could get their hands on at him.

After 178 daytime and 423 night time performances, Baby Joe just couldn't perform anymore. Klaus knew his time was at hand so he retired Baby Joe to his 2000 acre farm in upstate New York where he lived out his days in the lap of luxury.

It was a cool Summer day under the old oak tree where Baby Joe spent most of his afternoons resting where, out of the corner of his eye, he saw something crawling up to him in the tall grass.

It was a cool Summer day under the old oak tree where Baby Joe spent most of his afternoons resting where, out of the corner of his eye, he saw something crawling up to him in the tall grass.

He heard a squeaky voice, but he couldn't see who, or what, it was. "Is that you Baby Joe? Is that you Baby Joe?"

"Yes! It's me! Who's there?" replied Baby Joe.

"It's me! Remember me Mr. Turtle Recall?" the turtle said with deep sarcasim. "I have traveled many miles and many years to find you! You kicked me three times years ago and I have something for you! Come closer," requested the turtle.

Baby Joe bent down to see better and the turtle bit his trunk again only this time, leaving his false teeth inbedded in Baby Joe's trunk. He had false teeth because he was a very old turtle plus he lost his original teeth when Baby Joe kicked him for the third time.

"GIMME MY TEETH BACK!" screamed the turtle.

In which Baby Joe replied, " Nope! They're mine now. Bite me once, shame on you. Bite me twice, shame on me. Bite me three times, I keep the teeth!"

The End

The Cast according to appearance...

Papa Joe.... Swannie River Joe (Ringling Barnum Bailey Circus)
Mama Josie... Bella Figura (Italian Circus Ole)
Baby Joe... Nottoo Fatami (Flea Circus)
The Giraffe... Fred (African Dude)
The Snail... Pete the snail (no circus- just a hitchhiker)

By the way, the turtle in this story was played by....
Juganda Swazarski.. a student of iternational soups

A special thank you to Klaus Kluppinheimer for the use
of his diaries in putting this story together.

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