recently to me
after working straight through the day with
very few breaks. When I am real tired, I dream.
And believe me, I have these dreams that are
so realistic. I don't know what they mean if
they have any meaning at all, but the other
night, I dreamt I was a bat. You heard me...
a bat! Not a baseball bat, but you know, one
of those creatures that hang from the ceilings
in caves and other dark places? And not just
any bat but a Vampire Bat! Well, anyway, this
is how it went. If you have any ideas what this
dream could mean, let me know.
dreamt I was a young vampire bat and
I came flapping in from the night, covered in
fresh blood. I perched myself on the roof of
the cave to get some sleep.
Before long, all the other bats smelled
the blood and began hassling me about where
I got it. I was tired and needing a rest, so
I told them to please leave me alone. However,
it was clear that I wasn't going to get any
sleep until I satisfied their curiosity.
"OK!" I said with exasperation,
"follow me," and I flew out of the
cave with hundreds of bats following close behind
Down through the valley we went, across
the river and into the deep forest. Finally
I slowed down and all the other bats excitedly
gathered around me.
"Do you see that tree over there?"
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all
screamed in a frenzy.
"Good, because I DIDN'T!"
In The Woods and Mr. Owl
few years back, I decided to go backpacking
in an Ozark Mountain National Park here in Missouri.
I used to go a lot and had some pretty strange
if not unexplainable experiences while hiking
through the woods.
One such strange and bizarre experience
comes to my mind. One fine, cool but not too
cool, day, I began my 20-mile hike at the edge
of the Ozark Mountains in Southeast Missouri.
I had parked my car at the Ranger Station, strapped
on my backpack, grabbed my walking stick and
took off. My plan was to walk 5 miles a day,
stopping and enjoying nature along the way spending
the nights along a river or on a hill over looking
The first, second, third and fourth days
went without any problems. The days always started
out with me cooking a little breakfast with
mushrooms, roots and other things I found in
the woods, putting out the fire, and moving
Well, on the fifth day, although I didn't
want to admit it to myself, I got lost deep
in the forest. I never panic, but the trees
were becoming thicker and seemed to be closing
in around me along with strange noises from
everywhere. Noises like birds fluttering their
wings, millions of frogs croaking, insects creeping
and crawling making their little noises. I started
to get a little worried, then, I got a lot worried.
I tried to back track my steps only finding
that I was just going around in circles. So
I stopped to reach into my backpack to find
my compass. I did find it but it didn't do me
any good because no matter how I turned, or
where I stood, it wouldn't work right. It just
went around and around in circles like my attempt
to leave the forest.
of a sudden, I heard a voice. In the tree above
me, on a very thin branch bending down 2 feet
above my head was a very huge owl. He said,
" You look like you're lost. Whoever are
you looking for?" I just froze because
not only was the bird speaking to me, his voice
sounded like Woody Allen and I never cared too
much for him. I answered, "I think you
are correct Mr. Owl". I could tell he was
an educated owl because he said whoever and
OK, I'll go with it I thought to myself.
"How do I get out of this forest?
"You have to answer this question and
then I will tell you how to get out of these
forest. You can only answer once and it has
to be the correct answer or I will fly away.
It's getting past my dinner time anyway",
I responded, "Anything! Just ask and
let me get out of here."
He asked.... "How do you know that
owls are cleverer than chickens?"( I told
you he was educated.)
I sat down on this log to think. I thought
and I thought and I thought some more. Just
as I was going to answer, a frog hopped up on
my shoulder and whispered in my ear what he
thought the answer was. That freaked me out.
I thought for a moment that I got a bad mushroom
or something, but this was too real. I looked
at the frog that was grinning from ear to ear,
but I really didn't have an answer I was satisfied
with, so I responded to Mr. Owl's question with
the answer the frog gave me.
I stood up and replied with great anticipation,
"Because I never ever heard of a Kentucky
With that, he stretched out his wings which
spanned 5 feet if it was a foot, and yell out..."F
O L L O W M E M O R O N!"
I picked up my backpack and followed him
about a mile and a half to a highway where a
Policeman picked me up and I asked him to take
me back to my car. On the way, I told him the
story of what happened to me in the woods and
instead of taking me to my car, he took me to
the hospital to undergo psychological observation
and evaluation but not before he checked me
for any drugs.
I was released from the hospital only after
the Head Administrator found out about my story
and told me the same thing happened to him once.
But no frog helped him out with the answer.
Guess I just got lucky! :)
I got back to my car and five miles down
the road I saw the frog. He was hitchhiking.
I pulled up, opened the passenger door and said......
Many Fish In The Pond
there was a very big fish, named Bob. Bob was
the largest fish in the pond, but he wanted
to be even bigger. Day and night, he would obsess
One day, he was out catching flies for dinner.
He managed to catch a really humungus fly that
was about the size of a golf ball. Before he
could swallow it though, the big fly begged
and pleaded for his life. The Fly promised Bob
a magic wish if he would spare his life.
Bob was a little suspicious at first. He
was also very hesitant about giving up the largest
fly he had seen since the nuclear power plant
had moved in. Bob thought about it for a while,
but the more he thought about, the more he wanted
that magic wish. He was hungry, but more than
anything else on this planet, he wanted to be
Finally he decided to take the magic wish.
The fly looked at him and said "Name your
"I want to be huge, really, really
huge. I want to be bigger than any fish that
ever lived." Bob said to the fly.
"That's really stupid" the fly
said to him.
Bob looked at the fly and said "Hey
Mr. McFly, are you gonna give me the wish or
"I sure am." the fly said, and
with that Bob started to grow. He grew and grew
and grew until he was so large that he couldn't
fit in the pond anymore. Bob flailed and gasped
for water, but he was beached, and after a while
The people fishing in their boats, the people
standing on the banks of the pond, and the people
who had stopped their cars on the highway, all
stared in awe and wonder at this big stupid
fish that was stuck on the side of the pond.
The mayor called a town meeting to decide
what to do with the big fish, but members of
a nearby cult came by later and claimed that
the big fish had been promised to them by God.
After some negotiations, a large fish barbecue
was arranged, and everybody had a wonderful
time, except Bob, who was of course eaten.
Trip To The Hospital
was commited once for a short period to get
my head on straight in this great institution.
At this mental institution, every year they
picked two of it's most reformed patients and
questioned them. If they get the questions right
they are free to leave. When I was there, the
two lucky patients were Patty, another chef,
and Me. We were called down to the office and
left there by the orderly. We were told to wait
as the doctor got their files. The doctor came
out and motioned for Patty to come in for her
When Patty came into the office, she was
instructed to sit in the seat across from the
doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition
of this institution so I imagine you know why
you are here. You will be asked two questions,
and if you get them right, you will be free
to go. Do you understand all that you have been
told?" said the doctor with a rather sly
grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to
The first question was this: "Patty,
if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what
would happen?" "I would be half blind
of course," Patty answered without much
thought. "What would happen if I poked
out the other eye?" "I would be completely
blind," said Patty knowing that she had
just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent
her outside while he drew up the paperwork and
access my files.
When Patty got into the waiting room however,
she told me what the questions would be and
what the correct answers were. The doctor called
me in and he followed the same procedure that
he had with Patty. "Kieto, the first question
is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"
"I would be blind in one eye," I said
remembering what Patty told me.
This received a perplexed look from the
doctor but he just simply asks the other question
so that he could figure out what I was thinking.
"Kieto, what would happen if I cut off
your other ear?" "I would be completely
blind," I answered with a smile because
I knew I had passed.
But then the doctor asked me what my reasoning
was, and I said flatly, "My hat would fall
down over my eyes." :)
The Way Home Work
the way home from work one day, I came to this
intersection notorious for accidents at least
once a week because of it's confusing turn lanes
and signs. I am at the stoplight waiting for
the light to turn green when I spotted a brown
paper bag with what looked like the tip of a
20 dollar bill peeking out the top laying innocently
next to a fire hydrant. I had visions of millions,
vacations on the beach in Hawaii maybe, or even
a trip to visit my relatives in Sicily.
Then, I thought to myself, what if this
was someones life savings and they were on the
way to the bank and had dropped it accidentally.
A little old man, or woman, set it down for
a moment to wipe their brow before continuing
on their journey to deposit it and just forgot
I make a split decision. I jump out of the car
and make a wild dash for the bag. But as soon
as I took two steps from my car, the light turned
green and I found myself dodging traffic. The
cars behind me were honking and it was pure
chaos. I jumped back in the car and pulled across
the intersection and parked. I had to wait for
the light to turn before I could walk across
to get the bag and when the light changed, I
made a mad dash for the bag only to run into
a path of a cyclist knocking him into the air
who fell on a lady carrying her groceries. Oh
well, I help the kid and the lady up and made
sure they were OK. I finally made it across
I approached the bag leaning up against
the fire hydrant with what looked to be money
sticking out the top. I picked up the bag and
started back across the street acting as unassuming
as I could. I got to my car. I opened the driver
side door. I got into the car and looked into
the mirrors and all around to see if anyone
was looking and the coast was clear.
That's when I looked in the bag. Do know
what was in it? A bunch of baloney just like
the story I just told you. :)
I'll never forget
what happened one day in June a few years ago.
was a cold morning. It was an unusually cold
morning because I left the window open in the
back room all night and the temperature fell
into the 40's. As a matter of fact, it was so
cold, the 2 canaries I had, Pete and Repete,
had built a little fire in their cage to warm
themselves. Real surprising for the month of
After closing the window, turning up the
heat and extiguishing the fire Pete and Repete
had started, I got ready for work as I normally
did many times before. But not before I apologized
to Pete and Repete for leaving the window open.
By the look on their little faces, it didn't
look like I was going to be forgiven soon. You
know how canaries can hold a grudge.
Anyway, I jumped in the shower. When I got
out, I went to get dressed and my clothes were
missing. I mean everything was gone! I began
to freak out and came to the conclusion that
I had been robbed! But why my clothes? Why not
the stereo, tv, microwave, computers, etc? I
was totally confused and bewildered. My only
recourse was to call the cops. I did do just
that! I had to!
I spoke to a Sgt. McNutt and told him the
situation. He thought for a minute then asked
me some questions.
Sgt. McNutt: Did you leave your window open
Sgt. McNutt: Was it real cold this morning
when you got up?
Sgt. McNutt: Do you have a canary or a couple
Sgt. McNutt: Look out the back door. I'll
(A few minutes pass.)
Me: I found my clothes! They were in a big
pile on the back porch!! How did that happen?
Sgt. McNutt: Well, sir, this has happened
a few times before to people who have a canary
or two. Do you know what holiday is strictly
observed by canaries?
We have a major problem
with crows where I live. They are so huge, when
they fly over head, they look like airplanes.
And you better run so your not in the way of
there mighty fine aim. They ARE pretty smart.
This is the story of 'The Pea and Pete the Crow'.
Pea pods produced
by crossing a true-breeding round pea plant
with a true-breeding wrinkled pea plant are
the main pea we have learned to love and eat.
They are green mostly and pretty much round.
Once the pod is picked, it goes through a cleansing,
and then a shipping process. They are bagged,
canned, packaged and frozen. Then, delivered
to outlets, stores, restaurants and homes all
over the world for folks like you and me to
enjoy. This is the story of...
upon a time, one such pea, along with about
99 others, is on a plate being delivered to
a table after being blanched, and then sauteed
in butter, garlic and a smidge of garganzola.
The waiter, Victor, sets the plate down in front
of Ralph who is a regular patron of Samsoni's
Italian Eatery because he lives just around
the corner. Ralph looks at his favorite vegi's
and with fork and knife in hand, pushes all
the peas onto his knife. The waiters and patrons
of the restaurant saw this and began to giggle.
He did it! With one swoop, he ate all but 1
pea in gulp! As he began to get that last pea,
a lady walking by bumped his arm and the pea
went flying. It landed on the floor and started
rolling towards the door.
As fate would have it, a customer was entering
the restaurant and the pea rolled out onto the
sidewalk. Spotted by Henry the pigeon, who was
the boss of all pigeons by the way, it didn't
take him long before he fluttered down from
a telephone wire he was sitting on and scooped
it up in his beak. Flying through the city,
high above the tree tops and buildings, holding
the pea in his beak, while flying back to his
nest, which was in the rafters of bandstand
which was in the middle of the pond in the park,
the thought of enjoying one of natures mysteries
filled Henry with great anticipation.
as Henry was over the pond and approximately
20 feet from his home in the bandstand , it
happened. Pete the Crow, this 25 pound jerk
of a bird, the terror of the skies, flew down
and over Henry. With the first claw on his right
tarsus (that's like the foot), Pete flicked
Henry in the back of the head forcing him to
drop the pea. The pea fell and fell and fell
hitting Dorothy the Duck in the head. Dorothy,
looking up and knowing for sure Pete the Crow,
had something to do with it, thought to herself...
"Geeze... I really hope that was a pea
A few years ago, I had
a television program and had an opportunity
to interview George Washington right after an
interview I did with Bill Clinton.
is how it went!
Kieto: Hello George and thank you for joining
George Washington: Hi Kieto and you're welcome.
Kieto: First, I'd like to ask you about
the cherry tree.
George Washington: What cherry tree?
Kieto: The one you chopped down.
George Washington: What cherry tree? I didn't
chop down a cherry tree.
Kieto: Did you or did you not chop down
a cherry tree when you were a kid?
George Washington: No.
George Washington: Alright! There's a possibility
it could have happened.
Kieto: Why did you do it?
George Washington: Do what?
George Washington: "Kieto, I answered
your question truthfully. Still, I must take
complete responsibility for all my actions.
While my answer was legally accurate, I did
not volunteer information. Indeed, Kieto, I
did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the
ground. To do this was wrong. It constituted
a critical lapse in judgment and a personal
failure on my part for which I am solely and
completely responsible. I know my answer to
you gave a false impression. I misled you, my
friend Kieto. I deeply regret that. I can only
tell you I was motivated by many factors.
" What I did, Kieto, was use a saw
to cause the cherry tree to fall. Only after
the tree was already down did I go get my axe
to chop off individual branches. So, I chopped
off branches, but sawed down the tree. Look
at the saw cut on the stump and the axe cuts
on the branches. Therefore, legally, I told
the truth. I ask you to turn away from the spectacle
of this fallen tree and to return our attention
to a solid relationship as friends. After all,
who's going to remember a cherry tree as a symbol
of my character and ability to lead?"
Kieto: WOW! Did you by any chance know Bill
George Washington: No!
George: Alrighty then! There's a possibility
I know of him! I'm sorry, this interveiw is
I never got another opportunity to see him
again nor his wooden teeth. :)
As most of you know,
I am an animal lover. I love all God's creatures
big and small. Sometimes, I share one of my
true pet stories.
a few years back, when I was smoking, I had
another cat named Zoomer. He already knew how
to clean the litter box, take out the trash
and sing 'Up The Lazy River', but I wanted to
teach him something really unique and special
no other cat could do.
One day, because he shredded my tuxedo coat,
I decided to have him declawed, but just his
front claws. All he did after that was mope
around and sit and stare at his paws. I felt
really guilty so I came up with this idea. I
took him to a plastic surgeon named Rudolf Braunsweiger
from Budapest and asked him if he would do some
implants for me on Zoomer and he said, "Sure!
I vill do dis!"
The implants were a thin piece of stone
in one part of her left paw and a flint in the
other paw. With patience and my careful instruction,
it only took Zoomer 2 weeks to learn to light
my cigarettes. Once he got it down pretty good,
he even lit the briquettes in the BBQ pit for
Then one day, while he was sleeping on the
couch, he twiched accidentally setting off a
spark from the flint. When that happened, the
couch caught fire and he almost burned the house
down. I live in a cedar house and that, my friends,
was pretty scary.
I had the stone and flint removed from his
paws and had them replaced with a comb and hairbrush.
Talk about vanity! That's all he did was groom
himself all day. He ran off eventually and joined
the circus as a hairstylest. I get a postcard
from him every once in awhile. He's doing fine!
As most of you know,
Ziggy, my best friend who happens to be a cat,
is going to be 16 years old this November. Gonna
have a little party with a few her friends over.
Nothing elaborate or news worthy, but something
I think she will enjoy. No squirrels this year.
They make a mess and refuse to pick up any beer
cans or shells.
I first met Ziggy she was a little thing. She
could fit into the palm of your hand she was
so small. But as the years went by and our relationship
grew, so did her size and dependancy on me.
You know, food, water, a nice place to sleep,
etc. Well, when she turned 3, I started trying
out my limericks, funny stories and jokes on
her. Most of the time, she just yawned and went
to sleep. Other times, it was that, you know,
that look of...what the....? I even laid some
of my favorite all time jokes on her. Nothing!
No response what so ever! Ten years I did that.
Nothing. Same response. Zip. Nada! Nudo! I thought
my jokes and stories just weren't that funny.
Then, one day, I heard a veternarian talking
about cats in general about how they don't have
those muscles in the jaw to laugh or smile,
or even frown. I thought to myself...WOW, that's
it! She gets the jokes, she just can't laugh.
It was a Thursday the day after her 13th
birthday I was carrying a box down from the
upstairs bedroom. I stubbed my toe, dropped
the box with the contents flying everywhere.
I proceeded to skid down the steps on my rear.
Step after step after step. There I was ouching
all over the place trying not to use any profain
language when I heard this snickering! You know,
that under the breath kind of hee hee. It was
Ziggy in the corner holding her paw over her
mouth snickering and the other paw holding her
There was even a tear running down her cheek
it was so funny. It was then I knew, that although
my Ziggy may not smile, laugh or frown, she
sure could snicker. It's just a sad state of
affairs that I have to fall down a flight of
steps for her snicker. But seeing how her 2nd
favorite show on TV is the 3 stooges, with Animal
Kingdom being #1, it explains her sense of humor.
Don't tell me TV is hazordous to children...
Two cats were walking down opposites sides
of the street. When they saw each other, one
meowed to the other, "How do I get to the
other side of the street?" And the other
one replied, "You are on the other side
of the street!" Ziggy didn't speak to me
for a week after that one but I fed her nothing
but hard food for a few days and now she snickers
at ALL my jokes. :)
up is what I tell myself every time I burn something.
I make bread every Saturday and have ton's of
birds and squirrels around my house. Why? Because
when I make bread, I share the bread with them.
In the early days, there was just Fred, his
wife Shirley and Freddie,Jr. They were a family
of squirrels who lived in the house next door.
Then, came the Robins, the Sparrows, the Cardinal
families, and a few other out of towners on
their way somewhere. Each Saturday, they would
wait for me to come out with my bread crumbs
and hunks of bread. They would clap their little
feet together and sometimes they would all sing
this stupid little song, 'I've left My Bread
in San Francisco' to show their appreciation
and because they knew I was a musician too.
After a year or so, I had maybe 2000 birds
and 73 squirrels on my front lawn. Word spread
like wildfire to friends, relatives and homeless
squirrels and birds who had heard some dude
was giving away bread. Once, a big fight broke
out between Fred, Sr. and some squirrel I never
saw before, although he looked familiar, over
some nut bread I made. I had to stop the fight
and threaten them with a Saturday of abstinence.
They got along after that and became best friends.
I would see them every once in a while talking
about the old days sharing a tomato from a neighbors
Anyway, I burnt the bread one Saturday.
I just forgot all about the bread because I
got doing something at the computer. I took
the bread, broke it up, threw it outside to
my little friends and went back inside. A half
hour later, I was bewildered and concerned when
I looked out the window. They were all standing
around just staring at my house with all the
bread pieces on the ground in front of them.
Three of them were carrying a sign marching
back and forth that read, 'NO Burnt Bread!'.
I tried to explain but they wouldn't listen
plus they didn't know what a computer was anyway.
I finally just told them to lighten up and went
back inside. Several of the little blokes haven't
been back since but that's OK. They couldn't
sing in tune anyway.
Sweet and Sour
knew a chicken who had big feet,
And had a personality too that was really sweet,
She used to run around the house pretending
to be Andretti,
And she had a name. What was that name? Oh yea,
it was Betty.
Betty's little brain that day must have
known something was up,
Cause I strained when I reached for that measuring
And the pot and the butcher knife that hung
from the ceiling,
Is where she could hardly believe what her eye's
She tried to hide in this cupboard in back,
And a duck she was pretending to be by quacking
But I played it cool and didn't pretend,
That dinner was close and she was my friend.
I grabbed her and sat her and tucked her
in her chair,
I gave her a bib, a fork, a knife and showed
her I cared,
For all this time she thought she was going
to be the dinner,
It was Betty eating dinner so she wouldn't look
Tonight it's a bowl of delicious chicken
Then rest up after; for tomorrow's the big feast.
Relax! Let me scrub your back while you shower,
For TOMORROW'S the day you become 'Chicken Sweet