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The Busy Bodied Bats

This happened recently to me after working straight through the day with very few breaks. When I am real tired, I dream. And believe me, I have these dreams that are so realistic. I don't know what they mean if they have any meaning at all, but the other night, I dreamt I was a bat. You heard me... a bat! Not a baseball bat, but you know, one of those creatures that hang from the ceilings in caves and other dark places? And not just any bat but a Vampire Bat! Well, anyway, this is how it went. If you have any ideas what this dream could mean, let me know.

I dreamt I was a young vampire bat and I came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood. I perched myself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling me about where I got it. I was tired and needing a rest, so I told them to please leave me alone. However, it was clear that I wasn't going to get any sleep until I satisfied their curiosity.

"OK!" I said with exasperation, "follow me," and I flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind me.

Down through the valley we went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally I slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around me.

"Do you see that tree over there?" I asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good, because I DIDN'T!"

Hiking In The Woods and Mr. Owl
A few years back, I decided to go backpacking in an Ozark Mountain National Park here in Missouri. I used to go a lot and had some pretty strange if not unexplainable experiences while hiking through the woods.

One such strange and bizarre experience comes to my mind. One fine, cool but not too cool, day, I began my 20-mile hike at the edge of the Ozark Mountains in Southeast Missouri. I had parked my car at the Ranger Station, strapped on my backpack, grabbed my walking stick and took off. My plan was to walk 5 miles a day, stopping and enjoying nature along the way spending the nights along a river or on a hill over looking the valley.

The first, second, third and fourth days went without any problems. The days always started out with me cooking a little breakfast with mushrooms, roots and other things I found in the woods, putting out the fire, and moving on.

Well, on the fifth day, although I didn't want to admit it to myself, I got lost deep in the forest. I never panic, but the trees were becoming thicker and seemed to be closing in around me along with strange noises from everywhere. Noises like birds fluttering their wings, millions of frogs croaking, insects creeping and crawling making their little noises. I started to get a little worried, then, I got a lot worried.

I tried to back track my steps only finding that I was just going around in circles. So I stopped to reach into my backpack to find my compass. I did find it but it didn't do me any good because no matter how I turned, or where I stood, it wouldn't work right. It just went around and around in circles like my attempt to leave the forest.

All of a sudden, I heard a voice. In the tree above me, on a very thin branch bending down 2 feet above my head was a very huge owl. He said, " You look like you're lost. Whoever are you looking for?" I just froze because not only was the bird speaking to me, his voice sounded like Woody Allen and I never cared too much for him. I answered, "I think you are correct Mr. Owl". I could tell he was an educated owl because he said whoever and not whooooo-ever.

OK, I'll go with it I thought to myself. "How do I get out of this forest?” I asked.

"You have to answer this question and then I will tell you how to get out of these forest. You can only answer once and it has to be the correct answer or I will fly away. It's getting past my dinner time anyway", he said.

I responded, "Anything! Just ask and let me get out of here."

He asked.... "How do you know that owls are cleverer than chickens?"( I told you he was educated.)

I sat down on this log to think. I thought and I thought and I thought some more. Just as I was going to answer, a frog hopped up on my shoulder and whispered in my ear what he thought the answer was. That freaked me out. I thought for a moment that I got a bad mushroom or something, but this was too real. I looked at the frog that was grinning from ear to ear, but I really didn't have an answer I was satisfied with, so I responded to Mr. Owl's question with the answer the frog gave me.

I stood up and replied with great anticipation, "Because I never ever heard of a Kentucky Fried Owl?"

With that, he stretched out his wings which spanned 5 feet if it was a foot, and yell out..."F O L L O W M E M O R O N!"

I picked up my backpack and followed him about a mile and a half to a highway where a Policeman picked me up and I asked him to take me back to my car. On the way, I told him the story of what happened to me in the woods and instead of taking me to my car, he took me to the hospital to undergo psychological observation and evaluation but not before he checked me for any drugs.

I was released from the hospital only after the Head Administrator found out about my story and told me the same thing happened to him once. But no frog helped him out with the answer. Guess I just got lucky! :)

I got back to my car and five miles down the road I saw the frog. He was hitchhiking.

I pulled up, opened the passenger door and said...... "HOP IN!"

Too Many Fish In The Pond
Once-upon-a-time, there was a very big fish, named Bob. Bob was the largest fish in the pond, but he wanted to be even bigger. Day and night, he would obsess about it.

One day, he was out catching flies for dinner. He managed to catch a really humungus fly that was about the size of a golf ball. Before he could swallow it though, the big fly begged and pleaded for his life. The Fly promised Bob a magic wish if he would spare his life.

Bob was a little suspicious at first. He was also very hesitant about giving up the largest fly he had seen since the nuclear power plant had moved in. Bob thought about it for a while, but the more he thought about, the more he wanted that magic wish. He was hungry, but more than anything else on this planet, he wanted to be huge.

Finally he decided to take the magic wish. The fly looked at him and said "Name your wish fish!".

"I want to be huge, really, really huge. I want to be bigger than any fish that ever lived." Bob said to the fly.

"That's really stupid" the fly said to him.

Bob looked at the fly and said "Hey Mr. McFly, are you gonna give me the wish or not?"

"I sure am." the fly said, and with that Bob started to grow. He grew and grew and grew until he was so large that he couldn't fit in the pond anymore. Bob flailed and gasped for water, but he was beached, and after a while he died.

The people fishing in their boats, the people standing on the banks of the pond, and the people who had stopped their cars on the highway, all stared in awe and wonder at this big stupid fish that was stuck on the side of the pond.

The mayor called a town meeting to decide what to do with the big fish, but members of a nearby cult came by later and claimed that the big fish had been promised to them by God. After some negotiations, a large fish barbecue was arranged, and everybody had a wonderful time, except Bob, who was of course eaten.

A Trip To The Hospital

I was commited once for a short period to get my head on straight in this great institution. At this mental institution, every year they picked two of it's most reformed patients and questioned them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. When I was there, the two lucky patients were Patty, another chef, and Me. We were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. We were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.

When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.

The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and access my files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told me what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor called me in and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Kieto, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," I said remembering what Patty told me.

This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what I was thinking. "Kieto, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," I answered with a smile because I knew I had passed.

But then the doctor asked me what my reasoning was, and I said flatly, "My hat would fall down over my eyes." :)

On The Way Home Work

On the way home from work one day, I came to this intersection notorious for accidents at least once a week because of it's confusing turn lanes and signs. I am at the stoplight waiting for the light to turn green when I spotted a brown paper bag with what looked like the tip of a 20 dollar bill peeking out the top laying innocently next to a fire hydrant. I had visions of millions, vacations on the beach in Hawaii maybe, or even a trip to visit my relatives in Sicily.

Then, I thought to myself, what if this was someones life savings and they were on the way to the bank and had dropped it accidentally. A little old man, or woman, set it down for a moment to wipe their brow before continuing on their journey to deposit it and just forgot it.

So, I make a split decision. I jump out of the car and make a wild dash for the bag. But as soon as I took two steps from my car, the light turned green and I found myself dodging traffic. The cars behind me were honking and it was pure chaos. I jumped back in the car and pulled across the intersection and parked. I had to wait for the light to turn before I could walk across to get the bag and when the light changed, I made a mad dash for the bag only to run into a path of a cyclist knocking him into the air who fell on a lady carrying her groceries. Oh well, I help the kid and the lady up and made sure they were OK. I finally made it across the street.

I approached the bag leaning up against the fire hydrant with what looked to be money sticking out the top. I picked up the bag and started back across the street acting as unassuming as I could. I got to my car. I opened the driver side door. I got into the car and looked into the mirrors and all around to see if anyone was looking and the coast was clear.

That's when I looked in the bag. Do know what was in it? A bunch of baloney just like the story I just told you. :)

Happy Feathers Day

I'll never forget what happened one day in June a few years ago.

It was a cold morning. It was an unusually cold morning because I left the window open in the back room all night and the temperature fell into the 40's. As a matter of fact, it was so cold, the 2 canaries I had, Pete and Repete, had built a little fire in their cage to warm themselves. Real surprising for the month of June!

After closing the window, turning up the heat and extiguishing the fire Pete and Repete had started, I got ready for work as I normally did many times before. But not before I apologized to Pete and Repete for leaving the window open. By the look on their little faces, it didn't look like I was going to be forgiven soon. You know how canaries can hold a grudge.

Anyway, I jumped in the shower. When I got out, I went to get dressed and my clothes were missing. I mean everything was gone! I began to freak out and came to the conclusion that I had been robbed! But why my clothes? Why not the stereo, tv, microwave, computers, etc? I was totally confused and bewildered. My only recourse was to call the cops. I did do just that! I had to!

I spoke to a Sgt. McNutt and told him the situation. He thought for a minute then asked me some questions.

Sgt. McNutt: Did you leave your window open last night?

Me: Yes.

Sgt. McNutt: Was it real cold this morning when you got up?

Me: Yes.

Sgt. McNutt: Do you have a canary or a couple of canaries?

Me: Yes.

Sgt. McNutt: Look out the back door. I'll hold on...........

(A few minutes pass.)

Me: I found my clothes! They were in a big pile on the back porch!! How did that happen?

Sgt. McNutt: Well, sir, this has happened a few times before to people who have a canary or two. Do you know what holiday is strictly observed by canaries?

Me: No, I don't!

Sgt. McNutt: Feather's Day!

(Get it? Feather's (Father's) Day? June?)

The Pea and Pete the Crow

We have a major problem with crows where I live. They are so huge, when they fly over head, they look like airplanes. And you better run so your not in the way of there mighty fine aim. They ARE pretty smart. This is the story of 'The Pea and Pete the Crow'.

Pea pods produced by crossing a true-breeding round pea plant with a true-breeding wrinkled pea plant are the main pea we have learned to love and eat. They are green mostly and pretty much round. Once the pod is picked, it goes through a cleansing, and then a shipping process. They are bagged, canned, packaged and frozen. Then, delivered to outlets, stores, restaurants and homes all over the world for folks like you and me to enjoy. This is the story of...

Once upon a time, one such pea, along with about 99 others, is on a plate being delivered to a table after being blanched, and then sauteed in butter, garlic and a smidge of garganzola. The waiter, Victor, sets the plate down in front of Ralph who is a regular patron of Samsoni's Italian Eatery because he lives just around the corner. Ralph looks at his favorite vegi's and with fork and knife in hand, pushes all the peas onto his knife. The waiters and patrons of the restaurant saw this and began to giggle. He did it! With one swoop, he ate all but 1 pea in gulp! As he began to get that last pea, a lady walking by bumped his arm and the pea went flying. It landed on the floor and started rolling towards the door.

As fate would have it, a customer was entering the restaurant and the pea rolled out onto the sidewalk. Spotted by Henry the pigeon, who was the boss of all pigeons by the way, it didn't take him long before he fluttered down from a telephone wire he was sitting on and scooped it up in his beak. Flying through the city, high above the tree tops and buildings, holding the pea in his beak, while flying back to his nest, which was in the rafters of bandstand which was in the middle of the pond in the park, the thought of enjoying one of natures mysteries filled Henry with great anticipation.

Just as Henry was over the pond and approximately 20 feet from his home in the bandstand , it happened. Pete the Crow, this 25 pound jerk of a bird, the terror of the skies, flew down and over Henry. With the first claw on his right tarsus (that's like the foot), Pete flicked Henry in the back of the head forcing him to drop the pea. The pea fell and fell and fell hitting Dorothy the Duck in the head. Dorothy, looking up and knowing for sure Pete the Crow, had something to do with it, thought to herself... "Geeze... I really hope that was a pea and not...!"
A few years ago, I had a television program and had an opportunity to interview George Washington right after an interview I did with Bill Clinton.

Here is how it went!
Kieto: Hello George and thank you for joining us today.

George Washington: Hi Kieto and you're welcome.

Kieto: First, I'd like to ask you about the cherry tree.

George Washington: What cherry tree?

Kieto: The one you chopped down.

George Washington: What cherry tree? I didn't chop down a cherry tree.

Kieto: Did you or did you not chop down a cherry tree when you were a kid?

George Washington: No.

Kieto: George?

George Washington: Alright! There's a possibility it could have happened.

Kieto: Why did you do it?

George Washington: Do what?

Kieto: George?

George Washington: "Kieto, I answered your question truthfully. Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions. While my answer was legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. Indeed, Kieto, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the ground. To do this was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. I know my answer to you gave a false impression. I misled you, my friend Kieto. I deeply regret that. I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors.

" What I did, Kieto, was use a saw to cause the cherry tree to fall. Only after the tree was already down did I go get my axe to chop off individual branches. So, I chopped off branches, but sawed down the tree. Look at the saw cut on the stump and the axe cuts on the branches. Therefore, legally, I told the truth. I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of this fallen tree and to return our attention to a solid relationship as friends. After all, who's going to remember a cherry tree as a symbol of my character and ability to lead?"

Kieto: WOW! Did you by any chance know Bill Clinton?

George Washington: No!

Kieto: George?

George: Alrighty then! There's a possibility I know of him! I'm sorry, this interveiw is over!

I never got another opportunity to see him again nor his wooden teeth. :)

My Cat Zoomer

As most of you know, I am an animal lover. I love all God's creatures big and small. Sometimes, I share one of my true pet stories.

Well, a few years back, when I was smoking, I had another cat named Zoomer. He already knew how to clean the litter box, take out the trash and sing 'Up The Lazy River', but I wanted to teach him something really unique and special no other cat could do.

One day, because he shredded my tuxedo coat, I decided to have him declawed, but just his front claws. All he did after that was mope around and sit and stare at his paws. I felt really guilty so I came up with this idea. I took him to a plastic surgeon named Rudolf Braunsweiger from Budapest and asked him if he would do some implants for me on Zoomer and he said, "Sure! I vill do dis!"

The implants were a thin piece of stone in one part of her left paw and a flint in the other paw. With patience and my careful instruction, it only took Zoomer 2 weeks to learn to light my cigarettes. Once he got it down pretty good, he even lit the briquettes in the BBQ pit for me.

Then one day, while he was sleeping on the couch, he twiched accidentally setting off a spark from the flint. When that happened, the couch caught fire and he almost burned the house down. I live in a cedar house and that, my friends, was pretty scary.

I had the stone and flint removed from his paws and had them replaced with a comb and hairbrush. Talk about vanity! That's all he did was groom himself all day. He ran off eventually and joined the circus as a hairstylest. I get a postcard from him every once in awhile. He's doing fine!

My Cat Ziggy

As most of you know, Ziggy, my best friend who happens to be a cat, is going to be 16 years old this November. Gonna have a little party with a few her friends over. Nothing elaborate or news worthy, but something I think she will enjoy. No squirrels this year. They make a mess and refuse to pick up any beer cans or shells.

When I first met Ziggy she was a little thing. She could fit into the palm of your hand she was so small. But as the years went by and our relationship grew, so did her size and dependancy on me. You know, food, water, a nice place to sleep, etc. Well, when she turned 3, I started trying out my limericks, funny stories and jokes on her. Most of the time, she just yawned and went to sleep. Other times, it was that, you know, that look of...what the....? I even laid some of my favorite all time jokes on her. Nothing! No response what so ever! Ten years I did that. Nothing. Same response. Zip. Nada! Nudo! I thought my jokes and stories just weren't that funny.

Then, one day, I heard a veternarian talking about cats in general about how they don't have those muscles in the jaw to laugh or smile, or even frown. I thought to myself...WOW, that's it! She gets the jokes, she just can't laugh. DANG!

It was a Thursday the day after her 13th birthday I was carrying a box down from the upstairs bedroom. I stubbed my toe, dropped the box with the contents flying everywhere. I proceeded to skid down the steps on my rear. Step after step after step. There I was ouching all over the place trying not to use any profain language when I heard this snickering! You know, that under the breath kind of hee hee. It was Ziggy in the corner holding her paw over her mouth snickering and the other paw holding her stomach.

There was even a tear running down her cheek it was so funny. It was then I knew, that although my Ziggy may not smile, laugh or frown, she sure could snicker. It's just a sad state of affairs that I have to fall down a flight of steps for her snicker. But seeing how her 2nd favorite show on TV is the 3 stooges, with Animal Kingdom being #1, it explains her sense of humor. Don't tell me TV is hazordous to children... or pets.

Two cats were walking down opposites sides of the street. When they saw each other, one meowed to the other, "How do I get to the other side of the street?" And the other one replied, "You are on the other side of the street!" Ziggy didn't speak to me for a week after that one but I fed her nothing but hard food for a few days and now she snickers at ALL my jokes. :)

Homemade Bread

Lighten up is what I tell myself every time I burn something. I make bread every Saturday and have ton's of birds and squirrels around my house. Why? Because when I make bread, I share the bread with them. In the early days, there was just Fred, his wife Shirley and Freddie,Jr. They were a family of squirrels who lived in the house next door. Then, came the Robins, the Sparrows, the Cardinal families, and a few other out of towners on their way somewhere. Each Saturday, they would wait for me to come out with my bread crumbs and hunks of bread. They would clap their little feet together and sometimes they would all sing this stupid little song, 'I've left My Bread in San Francisco' to show their appreciation and because they knew I was a musician too.

After a year or so, I had maybe 2000 birds and 73 squirrels on my front lawn. Word spread like wildfire to friends, relatives and homeless squirrels and birds who had heard some dude was giving away bread. Once, a big fight broke out between Fred, Sr. and some squirrel I never saw before, although he looked familiar, over some nut bread I made. I had to stop the fight and threaten them with a Saturday of abstinence. They got along after that and became best friends. I would see them every once in a while talking about the old days sharing a tomato from a neighbors garden.

Anyway, I burnt the bread one Saturday. I just forgot all about the bread because I got doing something at the computer. I took the bread, broke it up, threw it outside to my little friends and went back inside. A half hour later, I was bewildered and concerned when I looked out the window. They were all standing around just staring at my house with all the bread pieces on the ground in front of them. Three of them were carrying a sign marching back and forth that read, 'NO Burnt Bread!'. I tried to explain but they wouldn't listen plus they didn't know what a computer was anyway. I finally just told them to lighten up and went back inside. Several of the little blokes haven't been back since but that's OK. They couldn't sing in tune anyway.


Chicken Sweet and Sour

I once knew a chicken who had big feet,
And had a personality too that was really sweet,
She used to run around the house pretending to be Andretti,
And she had a name. What was that name? Oh yea, it was Betty.

Betty's little brain that day must have known something was up,
Cause I strained when I reached for that measuring cup,
And the pot and the butcher knife that hung from the ceiling,
Is where she could hardly believe what her eye's were seeing.

She tried to hide in this cupboard in back,
And a duck she was pretending to be by quacking a quack.
But I played it cool and didn't pretend,
That dinner was close and she was my friend.

I grabbed her and sat her and tucked her in her chair,
I gave her a bib, a fork, a knife and showed her I cared,
For all this time she thought she was going to be the dinner,
It was Betty eating dinner so she wouldn't look so thinner.

Tonight it's a bowl of delicious chicken feed,
Then rest up after; for tomorrow's the big feast.
Relax! Let me scrub your back while you shower,
For TOMORROW'S the day you become 'Chicken Sweet and Sour'.

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