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Hilarious Harold
The Hitchhiking Fly Pt. 1 by Kieto

Some flies have it, and some flies don't. Harold had it. Why, amongst his fly friends, he was the funniest fly flying around any garbage can anywhere. He told jokes wherever he went. The other flies would laugh so hard, they nicknamed him, Hilarious Harold.

One fine day, he decided to visit his Hispanic fly friends behind this local Mexican restaurant he had gone to for years because of their fine garbage. Because he hitchhiked wherever he went, he knew what cars always went in that direction.

He flew into this car as he did many times before. But this time, the guy who was driving was wise to his hitchhiking shenanagans. And he said, "Alright Mr. Fly, out of my car!" And he shoosed and he flooshed, and even picked up a rag to hit him to get him out of the car but it was to no avail.

So the man said, "Alright, you want to play games? I'll show you games!" And he rolled up all the windows and said, "We're going to Cleveland, Ohio!" And off for Cleveland, Ohio they went.

The fly got really scared because he had never been to Cleveland, Ohio and flew up onto the dashboard and cried, "Please Mister! Don't take me to Cleveland, Ohio. I don't know anyone there and I will be lost." And the man said, "Sorry! You're too late!"

So the fly thought for a moment... stood up and started telling jokes.

How do fireflies start a race?
Ready steady glow!

If there are 5 flies in the kitchen how do you know which one is the American Football player?
He's the one in the sugar bowl!

How do you keep flies out of the kitchen?
Put a pile of manure in the living room!

What did one firefly say to the other?
Got to glow now!

What goes "snap, crackle and pop"?
A firefly with a short circuit!

The man started freaking out and pulled over to the side of the road about 300 feet to where the fly was going anyway and yelled, "GET OUT! GET OUT NOW! GET OUT OF MY CAR! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY. IF THERE'S ONE THING WORSE THAN HAVING A FLY ZOOMING ABOUT YOUR HEAD WHILE YOU'RE DRIVING, IT'S A FLY WITH VERY BAD JOKES!"

With that, the fly flew out the now opened window and visited his friends behind that Mexican restaurant and enjoyed Buritos and Enchiladas all afternoon.

Pt II: The Demise of Hilarious Harold the Hitchhiking Fly

Hilarious Harold the Hitchhiking Fly had a family reunion to go to one weekend in June and saw a car headed in that direction and flew in the window. The car was making a left so he flew out the window into another car. This particular day, it took him about a dozen cars to reach his family reunion which was held in a barn. There were plenty of horses and cows and other barnyard animals to keep everyone entertained.

He noticed that they had set up a little stage with a microphone. He asked, "Who is the stage for?" To which everyone replied, "It's for you Hilarious Harold! You're going to entertain us!"

He was happy so he started letting them fly (the jokes that is)!

Which fly makes films?
Stephen Speilbug!

Why did the firefly keep stealing things?
He was light fingered!

Why were the flies playing football in saucer?
They where playing for the cup!

What is the difference between a fly and a bird?
A bird can fly but a fly can't bird!

Why did the fly fly?
Because the spider spied 'er!

They all clapped and laughed and shook wings and said their fond farewells. He flew out to the road and saw a car getting ready to get on the highway. He flew in the window and into the backseat and fell asleep.

When he awoke, he didn't know where he was. Nothing was familiar to him. He had slept the entire night and the driver had driven straight through to Cleveland, Ohio! And he knew no fly in Cleveland, Ohio. He had never been to Cleveland, Ohio!

He saw a Chinese restaurant and flew behind it where he met a gang of Chinese flies. He tried to ask them how to get home to St. Louis, but he couldn't understand their lingo. So he took a chance and flew to the Greyhound Bus Station and hopped a bus back to St. Louis.

He arrived in St. Louis at 3AM and took no chances by hitchhiking home but flew back to his home in South St. Louis in the Italian section of town known as the Hill. He had to stop every once in awhile because he became a bit heavy. That's what happens when you hitchhike everywhere instead of flying to where you have to go. He was warned many times by family and friends.

About few blocks away from his home, there was an Italian restaurant with their trashcans full from the night before. He stopped off to feast on some ravioli's, spedini's, a little braciole, a salciccia and a chicken mudega.

As he sat back, he noticed a half full, or half empty, all depends on how you look at it, bottle of Merlot Red Wine. He flew into the bottle and started drinking away when he heard a tremendous noise and felt a boom and a jerk knocking him into the wine. He tried feverishly to escape but couldn't because he was too fat.

It was the trashman dumping the contents, including Hilarious Harold The Hitchhiking Fly and the bottle of Merlot he was in, from the dumpster into the garbage truck. The driver started the trucks compressor squishing and squashing everything into what looked like a suitcase shoveing it to the back.

Hilarious Harold The Hitchhiking Fly was never heard from again and there wouldn't have been anyone to tell this story except for me who just happened to see it all go down. Before you start feeling sorry for Hilarious Harold The Hitchhiking Fly, the bottle of Merlot he was trapped in was a bottle of Duckhorn Howell Mountain Merlot (1994) $69.95.

W h a t a w a y t o g o !!!

Pt 3 :Hilarious Harold the Hitchhiking Fly -
The Morning After..... Heaven?

Yes. Harold was squished and squashed after the dump trump compressed the garbage from that dumpster that early morning in June behind the Italian Restaurant.

After making his early morning run, the dump truck pulled into the landfill where ton's of trash and garbage laid strewn about in big heaping piles. The driver of the garbage truck pulled up to a pile, pulled a lever and the back of the truck began to dump the contents, including Harold and the squashed container in the shape of a compressed suitcase he was in, onto the ground.

When he woke up several hours later, his head was like a spinning top on it's final spin.

'Was it the vino? Was I knocked out and how did that happen?' he thought to himself. He didn't know, and was certainly unaware of the situation and surroundings he found himself in. He laid there for a little while until his head stopped spinning. He could hardly move and then thought he had been caught and/or trapped.

But then, he saw a ray of light and he thought he must have died. He remembered a fly friend who had a near death experience and said that if he woke up and saw that there was a light, follow it and he will be in Heaven.

So he worked himself around and began crawling towards the ray of light. Up one way and down the other. The closer he got to the light, the brighter the ray of light became.

He just knew he was going to heaven because he had been a good fly all his life. He felt a breeze so he knew he was getting closer to the source of the light.

But, 'What was that smell?' he thought to himself. It was aromas he had taken in many times before. And the closer he got to the opening, the stronger the aroma became and the brighter the light became.

On the final push to get out, he stood up, shook his wings and his head and when he focused his eyes, he looked about and as far as the eye could see was ton's and ton's of garbage strewn about. Truly a paradise to a fly.

He thought to himself for a moment, got down on one knee and said, "Thank you God. Thank you for bringing me home to Heaven."

Then he took off and flew all around his new home. He ran into flys he hadn't seen in years and made ton's of new fly friends. No one would tell him where he really was because to all of the flies, this was... Heaven on Earth.

And there he lived happily ever after until he drank some bad wine.

Moral: Live God's gift of life the best you can and you too can have a bit of Heaven on Earth. Oh... and stay away from bad wine.

The End.

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