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Yolanda Bambina, The Virtuoso
by Kieto

Yolanda Bambina could accompany herself on the piano with her toes while she played the violin. She would remove her shoes and socks, sit back in a chair constructed especially for her and begin to play the most beautiful concertos and sonatas you've ever heard with the toes on her feet. And then at the same time, she would take the violin, put it under her chin and play music that would make any virtuoso cry like a baby.

One day, Yolanda set up a video camera to catch this truly unique talent because she wanted very much to perform in front of a live audience and become famous. She turned the camera on, removed her shoes and socks and sat back in her chair. The number she chose to play was 'The Flight of the Bumblebee' by Rimsky-Korsakov.

It was something to see. Yolanda's toes up and down the keyboard and the arpeggios she performed were magnificent! And her skill as a concert violinist was that of Paganini, Itzhak Perlman, or Issac Stern all rolled into one.

Yolanda removed the video from the camera and sent it to the New York Philharmonic hoping that she could be a guest performer on stage spotlighting her talent.

There was only one thing that bothered Yolanda and it also bothered anyone else who was in the same room. She had a very, very bad foot fungus problem. When she removed her shoes and socks, she could barely stand the smell of her feet herself. They just stunk up the room something awful. Many times while she practiced, she wore a surgical mask and sometimes that wouldn't even help they stunk so bad. Let me put it to you this way. If you were within 20 feet of Yolanda and experienced symptoms of dizziness, short of breath, and found it extremely hard to swallow, the best way to remedy further discomfort would be to completely evacuate yourself from the area.

She did receive a letter of invitation and acceptance by special courier from the New York Philharmonic. She was beside herself. She was so, so happy. She was to perform on May 27th, which was a Saturday night in front of a sold out crowd.

On the afternoon of the 27th, she arrived at the concert hall and was shown to her dressing room. She soaked her feet, but she knew no matter what she did, nothing would help. Her feet always did stink; no matter what she did, or how many visits she made to the doctor, or what she sprayed them with. They just plain stunk.

The piano tuner, who had just got back from his anchovies, onion, garlic, and Gorgonzola pizza lunch, was to tune the piano before the concert. Although he was sucking on a breath mint, nothing could get rid of the garlic and Gorgonzola cheese. He made his way to the stage to do his tuning.

Yolanda wanted to warm up a bit before the concert so removed her shoes and socks, sat back in her chair and started doing these amazing exercises and arpeggios with her toes while at the same time, doing some warm-ups up and down the fingerboard of her Stradivarius.

All of a sudden, the piano tuner interrupted her when he tapped on the piano in the middle of her warm-up.

She stopped and snapped at him! "WHAT! What is it you want? Can't you see I am getting ready for my debut? WHAT!!"

The piano tuner leaned over and breathing his breath on her, whispered, "Lady, I just need to tell you something."

"I already know! You ate my socks!! You ever hear of a breath mint?" she exclaimed.

"Well, yes I have!" he replied. "And something around here made Right Guard go left, Speed Stick slow down, Secret obvious, and Sure confused!"

The moral of todays story: If your feet smell, don't complain about someone’s breath.

The End


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