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Do you like anchovies on your pizza? Yes.No.
For All I Had Was Fifty Cents.
I took my girl to a fancy ball; It was a social hop; We waited til the folks got out, And the music it did stop. Then to a restaurant we went, The best one on the street; She said she wasn't hungry, But this is what she ate: A dozen raw, a plate of slaw, A chicken and a roast, Some applesass and sparagass, And soft-shell crabs on a toast. Her appetite was immense! When she called for a pie, I thought I'd die, For all I had was fifty cents.
She said she wasn't hungry And didn't care to eat, But I've got money in my clothes To bet she can't be beat; She took it in so cozy, She had an awful tank; She said she wasn't thirsty, But this is what she drank: A whiskey skin, a glass of gin, Which made me shake with fear, A ginger pop, with rum on top, A schooner then of beer, A glass of ale, a gin cocktail; She should have had more sense;When she called for more, I fell on the floor,For I had but fifty cents.
Of course I wasn't hungry, And didn't care to eat, Expecting every moment To be kicked out in the street; She said she'd fetch her family 'round, And some night we'd have fun;When I gave the man the fifty cents, This is what he done:He tore my clothes, He smashed my nose, He hit me on the jaw, He gave me a prize, a pair of black eyes,And with me swept the floor. He took me where my pants hung loose, And threw me over the fence;Take my advice, don't try this twice...
If you've got but fifty cents!
|A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"|
|A guy goes in to see a psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"|
|How about the stupid guy who got a job at the candy factory, working quality control, throwing away all the M&Ms that said "W"? He doesn't eat M&Ms himself... He says they're too tough to peel.|
Two bowling teams charter a double-decker bus; they're going to Atlantic City for the weekend. One team is in the bottom of the bus, and the other team is in the top of the bus. The team down below is whooping it up when one of them realizes he doesn't hear anything from the top. He walks up the stairs, and here are all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared ot death. He says, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time." One of the guys from the second team says,"Yeah, but you guys've got a driver!"
|Airhead Airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the pilot is freaking out. The sweat is jumping off his brow. (Planelanding and screeching to a halt.) RRRtttt! He turns to the co-pilot, and he says, "Man, that is the *shortest* runway I ever landed on." The co-pilot says, "Yeah, and so *wide*."|
|A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby.uot; St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed."|
|A guy walks into Dunkin' Donuts. He says, "Excuse me, miss...how many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?" She says, "I think it's a seven-cup thermos." He says, "All right...give me two black, three cream and sugar."|
|Sometimes, I wake in the morning and feel like a polka, How about you? You ever feel that way?" Well, click here for that 90 second polka that might get you going any time O'Day!|
|Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathrom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed. Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and *he* goes into the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him." Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something." Jimmy says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks."|
|A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I don't really see that you ever really did anything great in your life, but I don't see anything really bad either. Tell you what," St. Peter says. "If you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, I'll let you in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "OK, well there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the gang members formed a circle around me. "So, I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron," the guy says. "Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you all a lesson in pain!" St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?" "About ten minutes ago."|
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|Back in '93, the Mississippi River flooded pretty bad and I'm sure some of you remember that disaster. I volunteered to help sandbag to help folk's out who were in trouble of losing everything. One day, I took a break and walked over to where this kid was standing peering out into the rising waters with a look of pure desperation on his face. I looked over to where he was gazing and noticed a hat floating down the river. Suddenly, it stopped and floated upstream against the current about 35 or so feet. Then, it mysteriously stopped and floated downstream about 40 feet or so. This was freaking me out because this went on for about 10 minutes before I asked this kid if he was seeing what I was seeing and he said, " Oh Yea! That's Grandpa! He said he was going to cut the grass come hell or high water!"|
As a beauty I am not a star,
There are others quite handsome by far:
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it;
It's the people in front that I jar.
Love is like an onion;
You taste it with delight,
And when it's gone you wonder
Whatever made you bite.
Jane ate cake and Jane ate jelly
And Jane went to bed with a pain in her belly;
Now don't get excited, and don't be misled,
For the trouble with Jane was the pain in her head!
Women's faults are many,
Men have only two:
Everything they say,
And everything they do.
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