have it, and some flies don't. Harold had it. Why,
amongst his fly friends, he was the funniest fly flying
around any garbage can anywhere. He told jokes wherever
he went. The other flies would laugh so hard, they
nicknamed him, Hilarious Harold.
day, he decided to visit his Hispanic fly friends
behind this local Mexican restaurant he had gone to
for years because of their fine garbage. Because he
hitchhiked wherever he went, he knew what cars always
went in that direction.
into this car as he did many times before. But this
time, the guy who was driving was wise to his hitchhiking
shenanagans. And he said, "Alright Mr. Fly, out
of my car!" And he shoosed and he flooshed, and
even picked up a rag to hit him to get him out of
the car but it was to no avail.
man said, "Alright, you want to play games? I'll
show you games!" And he rolled up all the windows
and said, "We're going to Cleveland, Ohio!"
And off for Cleveland, Ohio they went.
got really scared because he had never been to Cleveland,
Ohio and flew up onto the dashboard and cried, "Please
Mister! Don't take me to Cleveland, Ohio. I don't
know anyone there and I will be lost." And the
man said, "Sorry! You're too late!"
fly thought for a moment... stood up and started telling
fireflies start a race?
Ready steady glow!
are 5 flies in the kitchen how do you know which one
is the American Football player?
He's the one in the sugar bowl!
you keep flies out of the kitchen?
Put a pile of manure in the living room!
one firefly say to the other?
Got to glow now!
"snap, crackle and pop"?
A firefly with a short circuit!
started freaking out and pulled over to the side of
the road about 300 feet to where the fly was going
anyway and yelled, "GET OUT! GET OUT NOW! GET
OUT OF MY CAR! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY. IF THERE'S
ONE THING WORSE THAN HAVING A FLY ZOOMING ABOUT YOUR
HEAD WHILE YOU'RE DRIVING, IT'S A FLY WITH VERY BAD
the fly flew out the now opened window and visited
his friends behind that Mexican restaurant and enjoyed
Buritos and Enchiladas all afternoon.
II: The Demise of Hilarious Harold the Hitchhiking
Harold the Hitchhiking Fly had a family reunion to
go to one weekend in June and saw a car headed in
that direction and flew in the window. The car was
making a left so he flew out the window into another
car. This particular day, it took him about a dozen
cars to reach his family reunion which was held in
a barn. There were plenty of horses and cows and other
barnyard animals to keep everyone entertained.
that they had set up a little stage with a microphone.
He asked, "Who is the stage for?" To which
everyone replied, "It's for you Hilarious Harold!
You're going to entertain us!"
happy so he started letting them fly (the jokes that
the firefly keep stealing things?
He was light fingered!
the flies playing football in saucer?
They where playing for the cup!
the difference between a fly and a bird?
A bird can fly but a fly can't bird!
the fly fly?
Because the spider spied 'er!
clapped and laughed and shook wings and said their
fond farewells. He flew out to the road and saw a
car getting ready to get on the highway. He flew in
the window and into the backseat and fell asleep.
awoke, he didn't know where he was. Nothing was familiar
to him. He had slept the entire night and the driver
had driven straight through to Cleveland, Ohio! And
he knew no fly in Cleveland, Ohio. He had never been
to Cleveland, Ohio!
a Chinese restaurant and flew behind it where he met
a gang of Chinese flies. He tried to ask them how
to get home to St. Louis, but he couldn't understand
their lingo. So he took a chance and flew to the Greyhound
Bus Station and hopped a bus back to St. Louis.
in St. Louis at 3AM and took no chances by hitchhiking
home but flew back to his home in South St. Louis
in the Italian section of town known as the Hill.
He had to stop every once in awhile because he became
a bit heavy. That's what happens when you hitchhike
everywhere instead of flying to where you have to
go. He was warned many times by family and friends.
blocks away from his home, there was an Italian restaurant
with their trashcans full from the night before. He
stopped off to feast on some ravioli's, spedini's,
a little braciole, a salciccia and a chicken mudega.
As he sat
back, he noticed a half full, or half empty, all depends
on how you look at it, bottle of Merlot Red Wine.
He flew into the bottle and started drinking away
when he heard a tremendous noise and felt a boom and
a jerk knocking him into the wine. He tried feverishly
to escape but couldn't because he was too fat.
the trashman dumping the contents, including Hilarious
Harold The Hitchhiking Fly and the bottle of Merlot
he was in, from the dumpster into the garbage truck.
The driver started the trucks compressor squishing
and squashing everything into what looked like a suitcase
shoveing it to the back.
Harold The Hitchhiking Fly was never heard from again
and there wouldn't have been anyone to tell this story
except for me who just happened to see it all go down.
Before you start feeling sorry for Hilarious Harold
The Hitchhiking Fly, the bottle of Merlot he was trapped
in was a bottle of Duckhorn Howell Mountain Merlot
W h a t
a w a y t o g o !!!
3 :Hilarious Harold the Hitchhiking Fly -
The Morning After..... Heaven?
was squished and squashed after the dump trump compressed
the garbage from that dumpster that early morning
in June behind the Italian Restaurant.
his early morning run, the dump truck pulled into
the landfill where ton's of trash and garbage laid
strewn about in big heaping piles. The driver of the
garbage truck pulled up to a pile, pulled a lever
and the back of the truck began to dump the contents,
including Harold and the squashed container in the
shape of a compressed suitcase he was in, onto the
woke up several hours later, his head was like a spinning
top on it's final spin.
the vino? Was I knocked out and how did that happen?'
he thought to himself. He didn't know, and was certainly
unaware of the situation and surroundings he found
himself in. He laid there for a little while until
his head stopped spinning. He could hardly move and
then thought he had been caught and/or trapped.
he saw a ray of light and he thought he must have
died. He remembered a fly friend who had a near death
experience and said that if he woke up and saw that
there was a light, follow it and he will be in Heaven.
So he worked
himself around and began crawling towards the ray
of light. Up one way and down the other. The closer
he got to the light, the brighter the ray of light
knew he was going to heaven because he had been a
good fly all his life. He felt a breeze so he knew
he was getting closer to the source of the light.
was that smell?' he thought to himself. It was aromas
he had taken in many times before. And the closer
he got to the opening, the stronger the aroma became
and the brighter the light became.
final push to get out, he stood up, shook his wings
and his head and when he focused his eyes, he looked
about and as far as the eye could see was ton's and
ton's of garbage strewn about. Truly a paradise to
to himself for a moment, got down on one knee and
said, "Thank you God. Thank you for bringing
me home to Heaven."
took off and flew all around his new home. He ran
into flys he hadn't seen in years and made ton's of
new fly friends. No one would tell him where he really
was because to all of the flies, this was... Heaven
he lived happily ever after until he drank some bad
Live God's gift of life the best you can and you too
can have a bit of Heaven on Earth. Oh... and stay
away from bad wine.