St. Louis Wacky-Dispatch

January 10th, 2004

The Trial of the Century
Part 5 : The Final Chapter

What was exposed as the common link all the witnesses for the prosecution had against me?

1. They had all sued hospitals before.
2. They never had read any of my stories past the first paragraph.
3. And the worst evidence of all and the most common thread?
They were all related to my ex-wife!

The courtroom was aghast. The Prosecution, Mr. Chris Coe, stood up and shouted, "Your Honor, this is a charade on behalf of the Defense and they should…"

The Judge interrupted and replied, "SIT DOWN Mr. Chris Coe! I think I have heard way too much. No need for closing arguments gentlemen. I am putting this in the Jury's hands."

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, as instructed before, if you feel that Mr. Valentino is guilty, you must return a verdict of guilty. If you believe him innocent, then return the verdict of not guilty. Do you understand?"

They just looked at each other and the Juror in the first chair stood and told the court, "Your Honor? We do not need to deliberate. Kieto Valentino is I N N O C E N T ! So say us all! And each Juror shouted YES!!

Flashbulbs, screams, cheers, and hip, hip hoorays were going off in and outside the courtroom. The Judge pounded his gavel many times and finally shouted, "KIETO! YOU ARE FREE TO GO! Go and write all the wacky stories you wish!"

Ziggy jumped into my arms as I tried to shake Chris P. Bacon's hand. Mr. Chris Coe came over and apologized and then leaned over to me. There was so much noise, I could hardly hear him, but I think he said he enjoyed Patty Cake The Lumberjack story. And also that he was just doing his job. The District Attorney, Mr. Al Dente, also offered his apologies.

Ziggy and I had a Police escort so we wouldn't be mobbed. All along the highway were supporters holding signs that read, 'We knew you were innocent Kieto!' and 'You da man Kieto!'. And some that read, 'I vote every election!' and 'Eat LOW-FAT!' and even 'It's my choice to be stupid!' (Don't ask. I'm just telling the story.)

The next day, Ziggy ran out to get the paper. She was taking a long time so I looked out the window and she was sitting on the step reading the front page. When I opened the door, she held up the paper and the headlines read…

The Trial of the Century ends in Jubilation!
Kieto is innocent.

And Ziggy and me lived happily ever after!

The End

Moral: If you get a summons to serve on a jury, read the paper before you go.

Let's celebrate!

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