St. Louis Wacky-Dispatch

January 10th, 2004

The Trial of the Century
Part 4

My attorney, Mr. Chris P. Bacon, stood and took two steps and paused. Looking up at the Jury slowly, he began in a calm, low, but steady voice.

"Kieto is innocent. We will prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the stories he told were mostly true. Every writer has the God given right to embellish a bit to make the story a little more interesting. Some of the characters of his stories are here in this courtroom on his behalf. We will also prove the misspellings and sentences with missed punctuations were merely and simply mistakes and that he was a victim of lack of sleep, or stuck keys on his computer keyboard. Finally, we prove a great injustice has been done here today with the witnesses the Prosecution intends to call. Thank you Ladies and Gentlemen."


Call your first witness Mr. Chris Coe. "I call Ziggy Cat Valentino."

'How could he call my buddy to testify against me?' I thought to myself.


The Sheriff's Deputy had to retrieve Ziggy from the hallway. As she entered the courtroom, her tiny steps and that little tail moving side to side was the cutest thing I ever saw as she walked by me and took the stand.

After she was sworn in, Mr. Chris Coe, asked, "Do you know the Defendant?"

She replied, "Meow." Which means, "Yes I do."


He asked, "Does he ever tell or read stories to you?"

She replied, "Meeow." Which means, "Yes he does."

"Have you ever got sick, threw up, became nauseated, dizzy, or anything like that?" he asked Ziggy.

Ziggy tried to explain that she did get sick once, but it wasn't the story but a… and Mr. Coe wouldn't let her finish and she cried out in frustration, "Meeeeeeow, oooowwwww, oow!!! Which means, "It was the tuna I tell ya!"


The Prosecutor took his seat and the Judge said, "Your witness Mr. Chris P. Bacon."

Cross-examination was short, sweet and simple. "Do you love your daddy?"

"Meeooppp!" Ziggy replied which means, "Yup! Sho nuff! Uh huh!"


The Prosecutor then brought my keyboard in as evidence. They opened it right there in the courtroom and saw evidence of coffee stains, Ritz Cracker crumbs, wine stains, ashes, soda stains and 47 other known food stuff in the keyboard making it virtually impossible to type. Besides that, all the letters on my keyboard were worn off.


This evidence totally blew up in the prosecutors face as he was trying to prove there was nothing wrong with my keyboard. People snickered to themselves.

The Prosecutor called about 10 people who had got sick, or, ended up in the hospital, or had dizzy spells. They all testified that my stories left them ill, discontent, confused and/or had to seek some type of medical attention.

The Prosecution then rested their case and my attorney took over.


Mr. Bacon called my character witnesses who were really the characters in my Wacky Thursday stories. Here is who they were and what they testified to.

Pookie the Caterpillar: She told how her dreams came true when she believed in herself enough when no one else did and she became a beautiful butterfly. She opened her wings so everyone would see the many colors and all just sighed.
Boxcar Pete and the Three Blind Mice: He told how since his retirement, he had been listening to his friends 'The Three Blind Mice' perform for him. They even wrote a few top 10 hits since the story came out. He also told everyone how he had the courts issue an Injunction against the farmer's wife who cut off their tails with a carving knife.
Farmer Billy Bob: He told how he found a square watermelon and how it got busted when it went over the cliff at Miller's Quarry. At the Handy Dandy Five and Dime, he's still known as the best storyteller of all time.
Thelma Thillie: She told of the turkey she fed to get plump so she could kill it for Thanksgiving, but fell it love with it and couldn't do it. The turkey still lives with her today. Together, they make the best apple pies. They also went into the apple pie business and live in Vermont now.
Piccolo Pete: He told how he could whistle through his nose and it sounded like a piccolo. After touring the world performing, he quit playing for a while because while he had a pumpkin on his head at a performance, it got stuck, and he slipped and fell on his face embarrassing himself. Now, he just performs at rest homes and retirement homes.
Big Burly Bubba Pickle: He told of how he met his match, Pinky Pickle, at the County Fair held in Harrietsville, North Carolina each year in July and how they got married after they won the sandwich eating contest. They have seventeen little pickles running around. (No! They weren't related. Just had the same name is all.)
Fauntleroy Fingleweed and Yolanda Bambini, who were characters in two separate stories, met after reading one of my stories and had finally tied the knot. Fauntleroy was a bus driver who got lost a lot and Yolanda played the piano with her feet. They both have smelly feet and Fauntleroy loves piano music. They are living happily ever after.

Instead of cross-examining each person witness the prosecution had on the stand individually, with the exception of Ziggy, my attorney asked each to stand up. They did just that. They all stood and he asked them just to affirm or deny by saying yes, or no.

It was found and he proved that they all had a few things in common.


What is the common thread that ties all the witnesses for the Proscecution? What will make the entire courtroom and the Jury gasp? What will become of me? Will I be guilty? Innocent? Click continue to find out the answers to all these questions and more!

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