St. Louis Wacky-Dispatch

January 10th, 2004

The Trial of the Century
Part 2

All of a sudden, I heard someone turn a key in the door and it opened. The light from the hallway nearly blinded me. I shaded my eyes with my hands and saw a tall shadowy figure enter my cell. He spoke.

“Hello. My name is Chris P. Bacon. I am the Public Defender and will be representing you at your trial.” He informed me that the charge against me was a serious one.

Again I asked, “What is it? What charge do they have on me? Outstanding parking tickets or something?”

He replied, “No. It’s all over the television and newspapers. ‘The Trial of the Century’ the headlines are reading! The charge against you is the one in the books called, ‘A Prose Menace’. You are charged with the writing of bad Wacky Thursday Stories.

Stunned, I looked out the bars of my cell and for the first time in my life, was at a loss of words.

He asked me if I had any character witnesses and of course, I said yes. I nervously began to tell Mr. Chris P. Bacon who I thought would be good character witnesses for me and he wrote them down.

I began to rattle off some names.

Pookie, The Caterpillar (who was now a beautiful butterfly)
Boxcar Pete and the Three Blind Mice
Farmer Billy Bob
Thelma Thillie
Piccolo Pete
Big Burly Bubba Pickle
Fauntleroy Fingleweed
Yolanda Bambini

Then he stopped me. He said that would be plenty. He also informed me that there would be an immediate trial and jury selection was going on as we spoke. Since I was the only one on the docket, they had no problems finding a jury.

After he left, they led me to the jailhouse. I had 3 roommates. The first fellow was in for passing gas in a crowded elevator in a high rise downtown. The next fellow was in for singing the National Anthem so bad, the people and the players all left the park. And the last one was in for having no sense of humor…ever! I had a rough time sleeping that night because the first fellow was in the bunk below me.

What the heck is a Prose Menace? Will I get out of jail soon and home to my Ziggy Cat? Who brought these charges against me? Will Chris P. Bacon be able to find all my character witnesses in time for the trial? Will it be a quick trial in a Kangaroo Court? Oh my! Tune in tomorrow for answers to these questions and more!

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